Forgiving the abuser is just one of the steps in the healing process, yet many well-intentioned Christians think it is the only step. Many times during my recovery process, I have been hurt by pastors and Christians who speak with an air of authority stating that if the victim truly forgives their abuser, all would be well. That simply is not so!

While I firmly believe that forgiveness is a vital step in the healing process, it is not the “cure-all” that many pastors and Christians think it is. When someone is physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, those wounds must be cleaned out to heal properly. Forgiveness is only one piece of the recovery puzzle; it is not the entire picture. For example, if an individual who is angry at the world, decides to shoot a pastor in the belly, the pastor may live to face the gunman and declare that he forgives him, but he will still have a bullet in his abdomen. Forgiveness does not miraculously remove the bullet and all traces of damage. The pastor will still need to undergo surgery for the removal of the bullet, cleansing of the wound, and repair of the damaged organs. Recovery time will follow the operation.

The wounds left from abuse are often unseen, but that doesn’t negate the damage. Forgiving my parents was only one step in the healing process. The emotional wounds they caused also had to be cleaned out and given time to heal. Since those wounds are invisible, many people don’t even realize they are there until someone who recognizes the symptoms points them out. Just like the physical bullet wound requires the services of a medically trained surgeon, cleaning out emotional wounds need the assistance of trained psychologists or counselors. 

It is difficult to know when the invisible wounds are entirely cleaned out, and if the victim is still in contact with the abuser, it can be even harder. In my situation, while I had put a stop to the sexual abuse when I was 12, the verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse continued into my adulthood. I had to separate myself from my dad for more than 18 months while I was in counseling because he continued to heap fresh hurt in on top of my open emotional wounds.

So even though, at the age of 12, I chose to forgive my parents I continued to live with the emotional wounds festering just under the surface for another 18 years because I thought forgiveness was all I needed to do. In her book, A Door of Hope, Jan Frank discusses how many of us assume forgiveness means we cover the pain and pretend it doesn’t exist (14). Forgiving the abuser is definitely a piece of the recovery puzzle, but it is not the only piece. That has been abundantly apparent during this healing process as I have battled my critical inner voice.

 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]. Psalms 147:3 (AMP)

Frank, Jan. A Door of Hope: Recognizing and Resolving the Pains of Your Past. Here’s Life Publishers, 1987.