I not only experienced great pain and suffering growing up, but I did as an adult as well. I dearly love children and motherhood, but before my childbearing years came to a close, I lost six sweet babies before birth. At the time I was going through counseling I lost my second baby during my second trimester. While I was heartbroken, I still clung to my faith in Christ. My doctor found I needed surgery, which I agreed to, and was happy to learn she could surgically find a reason for my first two miscarriages.

I was happy, but the medication she needed to put me on would delay pregnancy and I suffered side effects from it. I’m sure the rash the medication gave me caused some of my patients to be concerned as I cared for them during the course of my shifts. The heartbreaking fact that my sweet daughter was being teased by friends about not being a big sister also caused me a great deal of stress. I was beginning to feel future children were never going to happen. Looking back on it, I can see where Satan wanted me to lose sight of the big picture and to despair. 

Driving to work early one morning, I was distressed and deep in thought and prayer. Despairing, I cried out to the Lord, “Why do I continue to serve You? Why do I continue to follow You when all this bad happens to me?” Immediately, I felt the calming presence of the Lord. In my mind’s eye, He allowed me to see what raising my daughter and any future children without Him would be like, and I simply did not like what I saw.

About that time, I paid closer attention to my scenery and realized there were cows and horses in pastures along the road. I had missed my turn about a mile back. As I turned around and got back on the right road heading to work, I made a decision that I would follow Christ no matter what. I did not base my decision on feelings, or on what He might do for me. In fact, I told Him I would still follow Him even if He never allowed me to have another child. I chose to follow Him because I know He is God’s Son, and He shed His blood and conquered death for me. As I approached work, my circumstances were the same, but my attitude and heart were changed. I had a new-found peace of mind.

My circumstances did not change for a number of months, but my peace of mind remained. The second baby I lost had been due on my birthday and I really wanted to be pregnant by then thinking it would lessen the pain. When I realized I would not be pregnant by my birthday, I thought the day would be miserable, but I’m happy to say it was one of the most beautiful, peaceful birthdays I have ever had, and the very next month I was pregnant with our second daughter. 

Scott and I have lived through six heart-breaking miscarriages. We have lived through months of trying to conceive only for the pregnancy to end miserably. When our second daughter was around three years old, we began trying to get pregnant. I thought I was not going to have any issues since the doctor had discovered my problem. So I was devastated when I lost three babies in about 18 months’ time. During the time I saw a specialist who, thankfully, discovered the cause but our journey to have two more children was still full of struggles. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the four wonderful children God has blessed us with. 

I wish I could say we ended our childbearing days on a positive note, but unfortunately, we lost one more little one in the first trimester a few years after our fourth child was born. My childbearing years began and ended with a loss, but God is good. Losing more babies than I safely delivered has taught me to always be grateful for each precious child God has blessed us with.