Some researchers now say that the effects of verbal abuse on children can be just as destructive as those of physical and sexual abuse. So even though I was able to put a stop to my dad sexually abusing me, the verbal and emotional abuse he levied at me well into my adult years would cause unseen damage.

We were all berated verbally from the time I can remember. One statement my dad made to me often that really stuck was, “You’re fat!” He would say to me, “Your mother is fat, your grandmother is fat, your sister is fat, you are going to be fat so just get used to it!” He consistently had something unkind to say about what I was wearing or my overall appearance in general.

He frequently told me garbage like, “You’re going to get hooked on drugs and then turn to prostitution to support your habit.” or “Boys only want one thing from you, and you’re going to end up pregnant and have to drop out of school.” If he didn’t approve of the way I was dressed, he would tell me I looked like a “tramp” or a “slut.”

When I struggled with my schoolwork, he would ridicule me about that as well. I truly don’t remember hearing praise. Well into my adulthood, he would find ways to use his words to hurt me! My husband recalls a time my dad said something unkind about what I had on and when Scott confronted him about it, my dad said that I was his daughter and he could say whatever he wanted to me. While Scott informed him that I was his wife and he cannot say whatever he wants to me, it was clear my dad thought he was free to say what he wanted no matter the harm. Since I grew up hearing the old, “Sticks and stones…” quote I was an adult before I began to understand the damage my father had done to me with his words.

While growing up, I remember seeing books my dad was reading that were about controlling other people. As I grew into my teen years, I could definitely see where he was doing that in my life. If he left home for any reason, upon his return, he would look to see what I had accomplished while he was gone. If he couldn’t identify something, he would question me, and I had better have done something productive while he was gone, or else I was scolded and shamed. I never felt good enough, and I never felt like I did well enough at anything.

By the time I was 16, I was becoming aware of my father’s attempts to control my thoughts, behavior, and feelings. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my anorexia and bulimia were symptoms of the abuse I was living under, and so the day my dad “begged” me to eat because I was so thin was a liberating day for me. I clearly remember thinking to myself, “There is NO WAY I’m going to eat more to please you because I finally have an area of my life you cannot control!”

While I still lived for years after that with his verbal and emotional abuse, I began to silently push back. Then came the day my mom decided she was going to divorce my dad. I was almost 17 when she took me to lunch and told me some of the horrific things he had not only done to her but had also forced her to do. After that…I suddenly was no longer afraid of him. I was then able to see him as the small man he honestly was.

He was such a controlling and manipulative man that he convinced the pastor and leaders of our church that he was repentant. They, in turn, put pressure on my mom to stay with him. But, I was never again afraid of him. That did not stop him from using his tongue to hurt me, though, because I didn’t understand verbal abuse. I would be close to 30 years of age before I would learn how his words were damaging my self-esteem.

After my dad’s death in 2010, my mother moved closer to our family and lived with her sister for a few years. When her health began to fail her, she moved in with us. She lived with us for just over three years before her health required we move her into a personal care home. During that time, I watched her emotional struggles, and I witnessed evidence of the damage verbal abuse has caused in her life.

In the article, “What is Verbal Abuse?” written on healthyplace.com, Kellie Holly states, “Verbal abuse is the most common way to attempt to control the behavior, thoughts, and feelings of another human being. Controlling behaviors are designed to manipulate people into doing what the abuser wants them to do under the guise of love or respect or abject fear.”

Given this kind of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was all I ever knew, it would be years before I truly gained personal independence not only from my father but from the damaging effects of the abuse as well.

Holly, Kellie. “What Is Verbal Abuse?” Edited by Harry Croft, MD, HealthyPlace, May 2019,                                    www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/what-is-verbal-abuse.