A Peaceful Understanding of Faith
There have been three times in my life where I have questioned God’s sovereignty. They all occurred during the 18 months of intense emotional healing I went through. Since I had asked Christ into my life at a young age, it makes sense that I would question that foundational aspect of my life.
The first time occurred a few months into my counseling process. I was busy doing the hard work of recounting and expressing the events of my childhood when I just became overwhelmed with grief. During that time, I cried out to God, asking, “How can such a good and gracious God allow something so horrible to happen to an innocent child?” I immediately felt Him answer in my spirit. In my thoughts, I heard Him say, “My child, I love you, and I never wanted this abuse to happen to you. I cried for you as I watched your parents abuse you, but you must understand that if I take away your parents’ will to choose what they do, I would have to take away all of humanity’s free will.” He then gave me an image of me sitting on His lap and being held and comforted by Him. That was a turning point for me, which opened my mind to understanding God’s grace in a way I had never before grasped.
As a result, understanding God’s grace became my next crisis of faith moment. While being abused as a child, I was raised to believe in God and salvation through His Son Jesus Christ, but since we attended a legalistic church, I daily lived in fear of losing my salvation. Growing up, I was taught that I could lose my salvation if I sinned. During this intense recovery time of my life, I read Josh McDowell‘s book, His Image My Image: Seeing Yourself as God Sees You–No More, No Less, and my perspective changed 180 degrees.
In a section titled “Am I Important to Christ,” Josh goes into great detail about how it was God’s intention from the beginning that we all feel important to Christ and to others (McDowell 35). Since I grew up with such a low opinion of myself, I always thought I had to be perfect to please God. I always thought I had to continually earn God’s grace. During this time, God opened my eyes to understand scripture in a way I never had before. I had read Genesis 1:26-27 many times before, but this time God helped me see that by creating me in His image, He created me unique and worthwhile. I then clearly understood that God is perfect, and He does not create junk! I also came to realize that my worth and value to God is Jesus because God paid for me with the blood of His Son Jesus. A calm, peaceful, confidence that I am special in God’s sight swept over me. God clearly showed me that I need to value myself. Otherwise, I am insulting Him.
This newfound understanding then led me to study John 10:27-29 more deeply. Sheep wander, and the shepherd frequently must retrieve them and bring them back in line, but it doesn’t diminish the shepherd’s love for his sheep. I began to see where my salvation is secure and has been since the first day I asked for it. My sins committed since that time did not rob me of my salvation. Yes, my relationship with Christ is altered until I ask forgiveness and make things right, but Jesus doesn’t stop being my Savior because I disobey just like the shepherd doesn’t disown the sheep when it wanders away from the flock.
Another good example is the parent/child relationship. My children will always be my children, no matter what they say or do. At times they disobeyed me when they were young and I corrected them, which placed a strain on our relationship until they altered their behavior. However, I still loved them, and I was, and am still their mother. They did not lose that just because they disobeyed.
Paul describes how easy it is to gain salvation in Romans 10:9-10 when he states, If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. I always understood how to be saved. Still, I struggled with feeling like I would lose my salvation with any little mistake or disobedience. Thankfully, I came to understand that my heart’s desire for Christ to dwell in me always remained, so my mistakes and sinful disobedience would not remove Him from my life. John 10:27-29 took on new meaning for me. Satan wants Christ-followers to feel defeated in our walk with Christ, so we will be ineffective in sharing God’s love with others. Satan knows he cannot snatch us out of Christ’s hand, but he can weaken our witness if we let him.
My life changed after that day. Now I live with the peace that no matter how many mistakes I make, and I make plenty of them, my salvation is secure. I have a very sensitive spirit, so when I sin or make a simple mistake, I am quick to ask forgiveness, but I no longer live in fear of losing my salvation. There was a time, though, not long after this newfound confidence that I questioned whether I wanted to continue walking with Christ.