I have dealt with my critical inner voice my entire life, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I began to understand what it truly is, and it wasn’t until the last few years that I recognized that I haven’t conquered as much of it as I once thought. As a young wife and mother, I earnestly began to deal with the traumatic impact my abusive formative years had on me. I worked diligently to address my critical spirit towards others, but it was only in the last few years that I realized I had neglected to address my critical spirit towards myself. I was so busy trying to overcome the other symptoms of my abuse, so I would not repeat them with my children that I missed caring for myself.

I suffered from low self-esteem, which resulted from the different abusive situations I sustained during my formative years. As a result, I tended to not believe in myself or my abilities to be a good mother. I looked to other mothers who appeared to have it all together. I watched them and asked them for advice. Unfortunately, their information was not always sound advice for me, so I have times I look back and realize mistakes and wish I had been more confident in myself.

I’m thankful my self-critical thoughts have been brought to my attention now, but I feel saddened to know that I have inadvertently hurt my children by being overly critical of myself. I’ve learned that when my children would hear me say something against myself like, “I’m a terrible mom,” they would either feel like they were bad children or they would just hurt really badly for me. I was so sad when I realized my son felt like he was a bad son when I said things against myself. I never wanted to hurt my children, physically or emotionally. From the moment our first child was placed in my arms, I have worked to be the best mother I could be, but that word “best” can be a slippery concept to truly grasp.

For 28 years, I have been diligently working to improve myself and my behaviors. I was sexually abused as a child and understood firsthand how devastating that was to my development, so I made it my goal not to repeat that abuse with my children. It was by far the most straightforward goal to achieve because I was hypersensitive about it. Before I ever married my loving husband, I decided never to abuse our children physically. What I did not know was how emotionally damaged I was and what role it would play in my parenting.

As an emotionally damaged woman, I subconsciously utilized poor behaviors in an effort to cope with my feelings of inferiority as a mother. One of these poor behaviors was that of belittling my own mothering abilities. It’s not like I spoke against myself every day or even every week. I could go months sometimes, not speaking against myself, but those times I did verbalize negative thoughts of myself had a lasting negative impact on my children. The fact that I have not been confident in my parenting abilities had shown even when I did not realize it.

Now that I am conscious of it, I am making deliberate efforts to see myself in the correct light, and then I can more accurately respond to my parenting circumstances. I believe that is how God wants me to proceed because now that I am aware of my past poor behavior, He expects me to work to change it. After all, that is what God tells us in James 4:17 when He instructed James to write, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.”

While I wish I would have recognized my self-condemnation tendencies long ago, I am content and at peace, because I see throughout my life how God has shown me my shortcomings at the moments in time when I’m best ready to understand and work to change them. God is good and I now see where He has been helping me rebuild my life’s foundations one piece at a time, so it is my prayer that He will help my children not have any lasting adverse emotional effects as a result of witnessing my self-condemnation. It has always been my goal to help them grow into strong, confident individuals. Through the years, God has helped my faith in Him grow stronger, so I trust Him to take care of my children.