To say that God blessed me when He brought Scott into my life would be an understatement. I was such a mixed-up mess! It truly is amazing that Scott even proposed to me. I had such messed-up views of relationships that on the night Scott and I celebrated our first anniversary of dating, he gave me beautiful flowers … and I broke up with him. I didn’t do it to be mean, but I was so confused as to what I needed from a relationship that I had to put some distance between us. That night we did agree that if we were ever to get back together, it would be for life.

Our separation lasted for about a month, and during that time, I spent a great deal of time praying and thinking. Thankfully, absence truly did make our hearts grow fonder of each other. We married the following summer before Scott’s senior year of college. I still had two years to go, but since my major was nursing, I needed to transfer to a university that had a nursing program to complete my education. I chose to wait until Scott graduated before transferring.

While I would not suggest marrying at such a young age, I believe it was necessary for me. The sexual and emotional abuse I had endured left me with such a distorted view of myself and relationships that I didn’t know how to live single. From a young age, I was “boy crazy,” and by that, I mean that I thought I had to have a boyfriend to be fulfilled. Since my dad insisted I be 16 before dating, I was in 9th grade before I dated a boyfriend. If you are doing the math, you will know that I wasn’t 16 yet. During that year, I met a young man whom I grew attached to and proceeded to date until the spring of my senior year in high school.

That young man and I were engaged to be married at the time he told me he had cheated on me and proceeded to break up with me. I was devastated! I honestly didn’t know how to function by myself. So within a month, I was dating another young man. God knew that was not the best relationship for me, and thankfully directed my path towards a Christian college ten hours away.

My first month at college was extra rough and rocky. I honestly didn’t know how to live without a boyfriend in my life, but I didn’t realize that about myself until I spent some time with my Resident Assistant. She was totally at peace with being single. I had never met anyone like her. I asked her about it once, and she just looked at me surprised and said she didn’t feel like she needed a boyfriend and that she could wait until the right man came along for her.

I never had that kind of peace for myself. Maybe God knew it was too much to ask of me because Scott and I began dating the fall of my freshman year. I will always be thankful that God brought Scott into my life. I needed his consistent love and stability. One of the greatest blessings throughout the years has been the knowledge that Scott needs me and my love as much as I need his.

I know that sounds strange, but I grew up thinking I needed to be perfect to be loved. I was and am far from perfect, but for many years, I diligently worked to be perfect and make everything around me perfect. Life here on earth is not perfect! Therefore, it took a great deal of manipulation on my part to try to make it perfect. In the first eight years of our marriage, I didn’t realize I was manipulative, but about nine years into our marriage, a crisis event happened which opened the floodgates to my abusive past.

During the 18 months which followed, I read books on healing from abuse and saw a psychologist. Jan Frank’s book A Door of Hope opened my eyes to the many symptoms of abuse that filled my life. From the time I was 12 years old, I believed I was totally fine because I had forgiven my father and mother. After all, that is what all of the pastors say needs to happen. Forgive, and then all will be well. I was shocked to learn that for more than 15 years I had operated under misguided information and that many of my behaviors and character traits were a result of the hidden damage I had sustained from the abuse.

The acute stage of my recovery was a long and tedious process. There were times I just wanted to be done with the healing process so the pain would stop. My oldest child was three at the time, and I remember the day she looked at me and pleaded, “Mommy, are you ever going to stop crying?” At that time, I wondered the same myself. The process was worth it! I did eventually work through it, and the sun came out again, and as my tears dried up, I found I was indeed becoming a new woman.

While I still dealt with my unfavorable behaviors, now I was aware of them and why I behaved the way I did. Awareness is the main ingredient to conquering an undesirable behavior. Once I knew what skeletons were in my closet, I was able to daily work to remove them. My journey in healing was well underway.

Frank, Jan. A Door of Hope: Recognizing and Resolving the Pains of Your Past. Here’s Life Publishers, 1987.